The first shock on the second weekend was that Roger was no longer there.   Angelo D'Amelio, our new trainer, said he had spoken with Roger and knew everything important.  Given the results so far, I trusted him.  Besides, I don't think I had said anything or done anything that would have been spoken about.    We spent the rest of the day much like we did the previous weekend - long conversations between Angelo and various individuals, small group exercises, short breaks and periods of sleepiness alternating with hyper alertness.  Even though we were told to leave our watches at home, I was keenly aware of the time as I received my medication from an assistant three times a day.

At one point we entered into an exercise that I suppose was similar to "visualizations" that I have since heard about.  We were asked to concentrate on someone with whom we were not "complete."  There didn't seem to be a concrete definition - although, if there was, since we couldn't take notes, I wouldn't have it exactly anyway - but I took it to mean anyone where I felt like there was something unsaid.  In my case, my father was an obvious choice.   Dad was a very wonderful man, but since his death 8 years prior I found myself unable to get to my memories of the wonderful man, or to my experience of our relationship.  There was something in the way.   How I said it - the phrase I used for focus - was something like "I can't cry over my father."

The exercise went on for a while.  I remember getting more and more tense.  As though every muscle in my body was straining.  I was hoping to force tears - or do ANYTHING to express grief, but nothing would come.  At some point, I had another flash of insight: the straining was very similar to the first stages of a seizure!   Hunh?  What was that all about?  I wasn't about to have a seizure - I was well controlled and on my meds - but it almost looked  as if I was....